In the year of 2014 March/April, my life began to become more and more difficult.
The challenges that life put in front of me seemed to be too many to solve.
It was during the time of my official divorce and its paperwork and when I had to write a kind of exam to finish my studies of a new profession.
Although my partner and me agreed to get divorced and we were not fighting or anything, this was feeling heavy on my soul. I also was working in a time-sharing-company that I didn't feel comfortable with and they sent me to a workplace that disliked me and judged me, because I got also social welfare.
The health of my mother during that time got, also worse.
I was living in states of strong fear, depression and sadness.
I felt that I no longer had the controll about my situation, which made me feel even more anxious and like a looser. I had thoughts of ending my life. At least I was still able to push them aside!
Usually the usage of oracle-cards, some meditation, angels, esoteric etc. helped me, but in this time they were only like a vanishing cloud!
I was wondering why it didn't help me any longer or if it ever really did.
I had lost any hope of a better future, because the whole world seemd to have turned its back to me.
I sat back in my corner wishing that there was one person, only one, that would shield my back and help me, someone that understood me for who I am.
I felt so useless, that I didn't want to ask anyone else for help from my family or people I knew.
They all had their own problems to solve!
Deep within myself I was crying for help!
Then there were moments, when the speech came about christianity and I remembered one day, when I met a crowd of people at the Brandenburger Tor, christians, and that a girl once had prayed for me.
I started to look for someone like this at the Alexander Platz.
One day I was spending time at the Hackescher Markt, in the center of Berlin, when I had a certain feeling to go to Alexander Platz. It didn't occur to me why, but I trusted that intuitive suggestion.
When I came there I saw a crowd of people around someone, who was preaching.
I listened to him and the more I did I started to feel a warmth, an atmosphere surrounding me.
I felt very touched within myself and when I talked to a lady about this I cried. It was a meeting of christians.
The lady in the colorful skirt asked me, if I thought, that if I died just at that moment, if I would get to heaven.I answered, that I didn't know. I thought that I was sinful so I would probably go to hell.
We talked about Jesus and she gave me the Gospel of John in a little book.
She asked me, if I would come back the next day to meet again and so I did.
When I was at the station of the underground to get a ticket a lady stood there and gave it to me for free.
I felt so blessed and also that I was on the right path.
During that time I didn't have much money to spend, so this felt like godly interference.
When I was back at the meeting-point I talked to many of the people about what had just happened and about my life-situation, so a young girl prayed for me.
Then I met S., the lady in the flowery skirt and she invited me to a cup of coffee.
While time passed we met more often and talked about my life, about Jesus, the bible and everything.
We became friends. I read more in the bible myself, prayed and felt closer to god.
My life changed for the better, so I was able to keep my flat and also my depression and anxiety began to vanish. I met more people and was more active, so I found more oppportunities of help to improve my life.
Soon we met at the ladies home to read the bible with two other ladies, so I began to understand god's word more deeply and learned more about it, than I did when I was a child at sunday school or later as a kid in school. S. lent me also some more books. One was about god as our father, which changed the way I perceived god in a way, that I started to have even more trust in him and could also feel the love he has for me much more.
It was the beginning of April, it was Easter and our bible-club met to go to church together, to a pentecostal community. It was very different from the church I knew as a kid. There was a modern band playing and people were strretching out their arms, singing happily. Some songs were tooo mordern for my taste, but there were also songs that helped me to get more in touch with the spirit of god.
I was sure to come back again.
With time I started to want god more and more in my life. I wanted to live more closely with him, I wanted to get to know him more and I wished for Jesus to come into my heart.
A week later from the last church-service I was in the internet and found a site, where christians discribed steps on how to invite Jesus more into our lifes and also how he could live inside our hearts.
I wrote down all the sinds I could remember and aske god to forgive them and asked him to forgive also the ones I perhaps forgot about, too. I didn't killl anybody, but I knew I disobeyed all the other ones in one way or the other. I was shocked, but I trusted what Jesus had promised so I went on.
I asked Jesus to please come into my heart and announced that I believe in him as the son of the holy father, that he died for our sins at the cross and shed his blood for us so we can have eternal life in heaven.
I layed down my life for him and wanted to follow him. I invited him into my life and asked him to lead my way. When I started to sing, during worship at some point in church it happened.
I started to feel the love of Jesus in my heart. He filled it up and I felt his presence.
Inspite of anything that I was tought in church as a kid in school the thing I could never imagine to be real was that JESUS IS ALIVE! Oh what a glory, what a blessing. This was the most happy moment in my whole life. I began to cry. Then they started the song Here is my heart! I tried to sing it, but I was crying, so I didn't have enough breath.
The lyric is: Here is my heart; make it totally pure, just you alone shall be in it, take everything away that disturbs you, because it only belongs to you Jesus. (my translation)
It is a simple childrens' song but so blessed by the holy spirit on my opinion.
When I look back at my life I find that there were many moments and situations, when Jesus tried to pull me to him. Some I never really forgot. And even when I was loosing my way, he never did and avoided the worst to occur. I am still so very thankful for all that he has done for me, after all.
And that is why I sometimes pray for others so they could experience something similar, that Jesus follows them, protects them and makes himself known to them. So they would be free some day and also receive his love, forgiveness and blessings.